Women today are busier than ever. We worry about everyone else and when we do put ourselves first, we feel guilty. Below, Karen Henderson tells us why a little selfishness can go a long way…
Catching up with a friend recently, we began our conversation with the usual whinge about how busy we were – a good therapeutic moan about all the tasks, chores and stress in our lives. True, I’d had a particularly chaotic couple of weeks. Work was so manic I’d forgotten to attend my daughter’s end-of-term ballet performance, I hadn’t phoned my parents in ages, I was late with my best friend’s 40th birthday gift and, as for my husband, well, who is he? To say I was feeling swamped and stressed out was an understatement. “I don’t mind the juggling,” I said to my colleague, “I just hate it when I drop the balls.”
We shared a wry giggle, but it dawned on me that, in all my mutterings, it was others that I was fretting about. I certainly wasn’t considering myself. I knew I was tired, yes. Grumpy? Absolutely. Looking worse for wear? Probably (although I didn’t dare allow myself more than a cursory glance in the mirror for fear of what new sags, bags and frown lines it would reveal). Where was my ball? Did I even have a ball? I don’t know; I was far more concerned with the wellbeing of rest of my ‘gang’ than my own welfare. By trying to be a loving, caring, considerate, conscientious mum/wife/daughter/friend/colleague, no-one could fault me on effort. Yet by failing to look after myself, I was failing everyone.
Carmen Benton, founder and managing director of LifeWorks Counselling and Development in Dubai, calls this ‘burnt chop’ syndrome – when mums (and, let’s face it, it’s typically mums who suffer from this the most) give so much to everyone else, there’s nothing left for themselves except the tatty leftovers. She explained to me that we are – all of us – cups. We all need to fill up with the good stuff in order to survive and thrive. So every day, we stock up with sleep, food, relationships, exercise etc, and when our cup is full, we feel fantastic. We’re replenished and full of energy, ready and able to tackle the world with a smile on our face.
The trouble is, we’re constantly pouring out from this cup, be it at work or in the daily, household chores, the physical and emotional effort of running around after kids, pets, husbands and bosses, or the emotional crutch we provide for friends and family. Before we know it, we’re literally running on empty. Finally, our cup is completely drained. That’s when we start getting stressed at work, snap at the kids and get cranky with our partners. We lose our balance and we begin to feel overwhelmed. It’s time to replenish our cup – but that, it seems, is something that most women find tricky. We revert to the ‘burnt chop’ syndrome, putting ourselves last and trying to refuel on the scraps. Yet it’s not our husband’s, friends’ or mother’s duty to fill our cup, and it’s certainly not down to our children. The ability and responsibility to refuel rests firmly with us, and can only be done, says Carmen, by taking ourselves as seriously as we take everyone else.
That means finding something that feeds us. What does that mean? Well, it can be anything at all. For some of us, it’s as simple as an early night or a cup of coffee over the newspaper every morning. An uninterrupted soak in the bath with your own, luxurious bath oil (instead of a squirt of ‘Hello Kitty’ shampoo) may do the trick, or it could be a weekly pedicure or a monthly book group (including actually sitting down and reading the book in between meetings.) For others, the ultimate ‘me-time’ is returning to work, picking up a new skill or investing time in studying for a new qualification. It can even mean starting up a new business venture.
The thing is, it doesn’t matter what it is or how much it costs (if anything at all), as long as it fulfils our personal need as individuals. Something just for us. Not us with our ‘wife’ or ‘mother’ hat on. Just us.
For me, I’ve found it in my regular tennis games with friends. Whacking the ball backwards and forwards is not only great exercise, it gives me friendship and laughs with wonderful women who are spending time with each other through a mutual love of the game – not because we work together or have kids the same age. Truly, it’s like active meditation, as it’s one of the few times my mind isn’t focused on work or family issues. I’ve always known that these games were great for me, yet, if work was busy, or a family commitment cropped up, ‘Mum – tennis’ would be the first thing struck off the calendar.
Not any more. Of course I’m flexible, but after listening to Carmen, my tennis is now up there in permanent marker. Playdate on a Wednesday? No thanks, we have to be at home and organised because mum is going out. After-hours work event? Sorry, I’m not available.
It takes a bit of effort, and more than a little stubbornness, to fit everything in. I’m still struck by pangs of guilt, but overall, making myself a priority on these one or two nights a week feels unbelievably good. I’ve found my balance, and by meeting just a few of my individual/adult needs, I feel I’m a better colleague/wife/parent. I rarely ‘have a strop’ on a Wednesday.
So, I’m certainly not going to stop juggling. My balls will continue to whizz around erratically and no doubt I’ll occasionally drop a few. But, you know what? That’s fine, because there’s an extra ball in there – and it’s got my name on it.
Karen Iley is a freelance journalist and copywriter and editor of the blog www.womenmoneyandstyle.com
